Self doubt

When I first started my course, I was so full of excitement. I couldn’t wait to get stuck in, to be busy learning new things and just generally being busy. I like being busy. I am not one of those people who can sit still for any longer than is absolutely necessary. I drive the people at the Unit crazy when we have a visitor because it means I have to sit in one place for longer than five minutes. And the chairs squeak, so everyone knows every time I sit forward, or cross my legs, or lean back, or move in general. I fiddle with things in the hand, click pens or twirl my hair. I actually can’t sit still. It can be rather irritating. But because I have always had a busy day, I didn’t realise quite how bad my inability to sit still and focus on the same thing was.

Then I got to uni. I remember telling people that I only had 12 contact hours per week, and everyone being supremely jealous because they were all physicists and had 35. Now, I am the jealous one. My hours are so spread out that I am often only in university for an hour, maximum 2, at a time. And because my halls are 45 minute walk to university, I only go in for my lectures. Carrying my textbooks up that hill doesn’t bear thinking about! I am supposed to do at least 10 hours reading per day, but even if I do manage to read everything I need to/write as many words as I set myself, I always have so much time on my hands. I love psychology, I really do. I love learning the concepts, but I can’t help but feel a bit cheated by the university experience. I effectively remain in my room for a whole day, reading articles online and paraphrasing my textbooks. All this excitement intermingled with a whole series of Call The Midwife, or an episode of Classic Doctor Who, while knitting. Yeah, I’ve taught myself to knit just to stave off the complete boredom.

I don’t know what I was expecting when I came to uni, but I miss school and how that was a guaranteed 9-3 day, with free periods and lots of work to do when you get home. I didn’t have time to fidget then!! What uni HAS taught me so far, is that I need an active job. I need to either be worrying about a mental list while rushing around like a mad thing, or just rushing around like a mad thing. I couldn’t do research. My experience of research at Uni has been having to sit in front of a computer recording the data then analysing it. I couldn’t do that, no matter how interesting I found the topic.

So, I am currently doubting what to do with my life. I think I may have cut out a whole load of careers based on the fact that I couldn’t do a desk job and retain what little sanity I have left. I hope that uni gets harder/more complex/more interesting! I really do. I’m starting to hate my cream prison, even if my record player and sewing machine make it a little more bearable.

Sorry for the rather downspirited post! I hope everyone is having a good week!

Bea

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